I never thought of myself as the maternal type. Even as a kid, I wasn’t drawn to babies or small children. I preferred the company of adults — listening to their conversations, soaking up their stories. As I got older, I still couldn’t picture myself with children. I was busy enjoying life — the freedom, the independence, the spontaneity of it all.
That changed when I met my husband. Being with him shifted something in me. Suddenly, all the things I’d never really imagined for myself — marriage, travel, family — started to make sense. But only with him. If it wasn’t with him, I didn’t want it.
When it came to the idea of having children, something in me softened. I knew I wanted to try — even though my husband had his hesitations (a story for another blog post!). But even then, I never assumed it would be easy. This was before we’d even started trying, and I’d already heard enough stories from friends and acquaintances who struggled to conceive naturally.
I had quiet conversations with myself, preparing for the possibility that pregnancy might not happen for me. And honestly, I think letting go of the pressure — releasing that tight grip of expectation — made all the difference. There was a calm that came with acceptance, and I believe that helped in ways I couldn’t fully understand at the time. I remember telling myself: If it doesn’t happen, I’ll get some dogs… maybe cats or horses, and life will take a different path. I didn’t want to put my body through the stress of IVF. I believed that if conception was meant for us, it would happen naturally.
And the universe, it seems, agreed. We were blessed with a surprisingly quick conception at the end of 2020. Baby was due in early August 2021.
The realisation didn’t fully hit me until well into my second trimester. I don’t think I quite believed it was real. On the outside, I kept my excitement in check — part superstition, part self-protection. I worried that getting too excited might jinx it. I know, I know — not the most positive outlook — but when you’re growing a brand-new life inside you, it feels like the most fragile, overwhelming responsibility in the world.
But let’s talk about the positives! Thankfully, my pregnancy was smooth and uncomplicated — something I never took for granted. After my first prenatal appointment, my husband and I decided to go with our local home-birth team. One of the reasons was that all my appointments (except for scans) were at home, thanks to COVID. After watching their intro video, I felt a little calmer about giving birth. I also took a remote hypnobirthing course, which turned out to be far more helpful than I expected. It wasn’t just about deep breathing and imagining serene beaches — it was practical, informative, and empowering. I always recommend hypnobirthing to expectant mothers. It gives you a clearer understanding of what your body is doing during labour and how to work with it, not against it.
We (okay, mostly I) also decided not to find out the baby’s sex. I just wanted them to arrive safely. The mystery added something special to the journey.
Around this time, I began to feel myself changing — not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I think it’s something most new parents experience. You’re not just growing a new life — you’re growing a new version of yourself. The version with more responsibility, more patience, more depth.
Like many in 2021, I was working from home. I took full advantage of the improved work/life balance — long walks, afternoon naps, meditation. I had time to reflect, research, and prepare myself — not just for the birth, but for this next chapter of life. It feels like a blur now, but such a beautiful one.
In my next blog, I’ll share my birth story — that’s a whole essay on its own!
Thank you for reading.
With peace and gratitude,
ABB
A Beautiful Blur 